“Well, I guess this is it…”

It took every ounce of my being to go to his house today…

Calling him before I left school and hearing him answer like nothing was wrong was painful…

I walked in his house like I used to, the dogs started to bark….They started doing that ever since we broke up the first time…like they knew I wasn’t supposed to be there. 

I walked downstairs…taking it all in…I knew I was never gong back.

His dog was still barking at me following me into his basement I told him to be quiet took a breath and entered his room….

There he was. The boy I was forced to stop loving. Jeans, a black shirt, black socks he hair done…just the way I liked it… 

I said hi and sat his clothes on the bed.

Then I pulled it out of my pocket. The little silver key with the black elastic attached to the end and on the other end of it, the little silver ring with the little square “diamond” on the end. The perfection…My life, my only reason to live….The only thing I had to prove he loved me…

I told him there was one thing I needed. I went in his closet and grabbed the card he had given me for my birthday… I had given it back to him the first time we broke up but I needed something…something to remind me that we were real…

I turned around and he was watching me… He held his arms open like I was supposed to hug him… I didn’t…he put them down.

I said “I guess that’s it then” He nodded…

I stood there for a minute…

“I just need a moment” I said and he just said okay and turned his chair around and started playing his video games…

I sat down on his bed….I sat on his dumb cheetah print sheets. I looked at his bed…it used to be our bed… I slept there all the time…I laid in it so many times. I laid in his arms there so many times. I kiss him there…and Now I had to leave it. and him. I sighed and pet the sheets….touched his pillows…took in the smell. 

I made some crack about how whoever created the video game he was playing mustve been high to come up with it…I made another crack about how I found pretty much every sock he ever owned at my house last night but I couldn’t find pairs so I didn’t bring them….

He stopped playing and turned around…

I showed him everything I brought. He kept saying things were to small and that I should just keep them.

“I can’t”

It was silent.

“anything new?” he said

“No” I mumbled “But we all know what’s knew with you” 

“Oh goodness” he said

“Well it’s true” I stood up…

A long silence….

“Well, I guess this is it…” I said 

“Not necessarily”

“It’s not like we can talk anymore”

Another long silence…He knew it was true.

I started to tear up…He stood up and gave me a hug. 

I started to cry. He let me go….

I stood there for a second and gave him another hug…a better one. My arms on his shoulder. My face in his neck. I took in his scent for the last time I rubbed his back feeling him for the last time…I put my forehead on his cheek. I kissed him on the cheek . I slid my arms down his shoulders starting to loosin up. 

Then I saw it….His red puffy eyes. He was crying. Just like me. It was easy to be mad when I felt like he didn’t care anymore but he did….or he seemed.

I pushed him away and he sat in his chair…

“You can’t do that” I said 

and he said why 

“I was being tough”

“So was I” he said “But I’m to much of a softy for that” 

I stood there for a moment

“I guess this is it”

I bent down and hugged him and kissed him on the cheek

I picked up my card ready to leave

I asked him to hug me again….

It was a good hug. 

It was the last hug.

I put my forehead back on his cheek…for a longer time. I could’ve stayed there forever with him. I could’ve loved him forever. I wanted to. I could’ve listened to him breathing, feeling his warmth forever.

I kiss him on the cheek.I let go and turned. I didn’t look at him again. I couldn’t I despretly wanted to kiss him, convince him to change his mind but I new I couldnt. I started to leave him…

“I love you” I mumbled

“I love you, too” he said with tears in his throat…I could tell.

and I left….I kept hoping he would stop me but he didn’t.

That’s all I remember. I wish I could remember more…but that’s it.

You know that feeling you get in your head when your about the cry…that intense tight pain you feel in your forehead right before you start to cry…that hollow feeling in your throat? I feel that everyday without him. He chose her. That hurts more then any injury. I lost the love of my life. A family. A home. I have no reason to be myself anymore. I never wanted to live without him and now…I have to…

queenxsass:

i wonder if anyone has a legitimate crush on me. like i wonder if they wake up in the morning and the first thing they think about is me. i wonder if they see something and think, “oh she would really like this”. because i know i’m that way. i know there’s that one person i have a crush on and sometimes i feel like they think i’m invisible. i know when i wake up the first thought in my mind is them. and i know that i would give anything to just be with them all the time. 

(Source: avatarcori, via chill-upstream)

Double Standards….

Sometimes I wish there were double standards…

I wish I could hang out with Camron with out Kyler wanting to hang out with his girl friends.

I just want to hang out with my best friend, who cried on my shoulder when his Grandma died, who let me cry on his shoulder right after Mr. Daniels gave away my solo and changed it to a duet, the guy who is like my brother, who I would never date.

He just wants to hang out with his ex-girlfriend. The perfect in every way girl, who has never worn sweats a day in her life, who has perfect, volumous hair, that I CANNOT compete with. Some one who he had feelings enough to be with, even for a short amount of time.

I wish I could tell him….oh wait! I tried and he said “OHHH JEEZE!”.

I just with he could understand…

If only boys got on Tumblr….

Dear Person I hate…

I hate you because you made me something i never wanted to be. Needy. You made me wait for you to come around and you never did. You made me blind. You made me insecure and you made me need people. I wouldn’t be so god damn damaged if it wasnt for you. I don’t trust anyone. I dont feel pretty or beautiful. I NEVER feel good enough and it’s all your fault. I wish you would’ve told me you were going to lead me on for 3 years. I wish I would’ve known that you were never going to love me . I wish I would’ve known that you were never going to leave her. You kept me sucked in and I hate you so much…

I will write about the following, leave one in my ask box

Dear person I hate,

Dear person I like,

Dear ex boyfriend,

Dear ex girlfriend,

Dear ex bestfriend,

Dear bestfriend,

Dear *anyone*,

Dear Santa,

Dear mom,

Dear dad,

Dear future me,

Dear past me,

Dear person I’m jealous of,

Dear person I had a crush on,

Dear girlfriend,

Dear boyfriend,

(Source: ballroom-baby, via cudi-fan-4-lifffe)